Marriage and Family

My Soul’s Return

I came despite enduring the hardest spiritual warfare three months prior to boarding the plane.

I came without the funds until one week before departure.

I came because I could not stay behind.

I came because He said come.

I came to set captives free and I was the one set free!!

I sit here now surrounded by the glory and beauty of God’s creation in the heart of Uganda while the Nile peacefully, purposefully, gently moves across the soil underneath.  My soul cries out as never before as it clings to God’s heart of forgiveness and rest in Him.

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I cannot leave.

To leave means to return my soul to distractions.

To leave means to return my soul to it’s own ways.

To leave means to return my soul to it’s own works.

To leave means to return my soul to chaos and confusion.

To leave means to return my soul to a life of self.

I battle between soul and this world.  God has set me free and I am afraid to go back to the chains of this world.  I read Psalm 142 and can only sit at the feet of Jesus as I lay my soul before Him yet one more time.

“I cry aloud to the LORD;
I plead aloud to the LORD for mercy.
I pour out my complaint before Him;
I reveal my trouble to Him.
Although my spirit is weak within me,
You know my way.” Psalm 141:1-3a

Lord, I do cry out to you.  I ask you not give my soul what it deserves as I return to the states.  I did not deserve what you gave me here in Uganda.  Lord, I do not deserve for You to continue this work once back in the states.  My heart is troubled and my spirit is weak.  Yet you know my way.  You know the battle inside of my innermost being.

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“Along this path I travel
they have hidden a trap for me.
Look to the right and see:
No one stands up for me;
There is no refuge for me;
No one cares about me.” Psalm 142:3b-4

Satan has placed much doubt, guilt, bitterness, anger, hurt, and shame in my path.  He has tried to convince me there is no one around who understands or who will stand up for me.  He has tried to flood my spirit with aloneness.

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“I cry to You, LORD;
I say, “You are my shelter,
My portion in the land of the living.
Listen to my cry,
For I am very weak.
Rescue me from those who pursue me,
For they are too strong for me.” Psalm 142:5-6

Here I am crying out to you LORD.  Standing on the promise that You are my shelter.  You are my very portion today as I live on this earth.  I beg You to hear the turmoil within the weakness of my flesh.  I ask You to rescue me once again from Satan’s pursuit.  He is too strong for me and yet You are the overcomer.

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“Free me from prison so that I can praise Your name.
The righteous will gather around me
Because You deal generously with me.” Psalm 142:7

Free me still again Lord from the prison and chains of the flesh returning to the states.  Send only your Holy Spirit within this body of skin and bones to the states.  Not for my glory and the glory of my flesh, but for Your glory and praise be to Your name.  It is then that the body of believers will be able to surround me as together we witness the power of Your grace and mercy upon this sinner of all sinners.

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Lord, I do not want to let go of the true freedom you have shown me.  The peacefulness that is on my face and in my soul is what I desire to take home.  It is this resting in the Great I Am that I do not want to get up and run away from.  I know my flesh is more than capable of taking over and I ask You to stop it.  For You are the one who has conquered death and hell.  You have brought the dead to life.  You have broken the chains of darkness and gloom and now I live!!!  Amen!!!

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