What a Mess

What does a pastor’s wife, mother, foster mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, teacher, friend, among other title’s look like?  A mess.  A sinner in need of forgiveness.  A helpless child in need of a Savior.  As it is written: there is no one righteous, not even Alicia (Romans 3:10).

green aaarghMay 10, 2013
Oh Lord, I am a mess.  I am so overwhelmed.  My emotions are everywhere.  I just don’t know what to do…I think a lot of it is spiritual warfare that has caught me off guard.  I do feel like my thoughts have been ungodly as I have kept my eyes on the ground instead of looking up at you.  Lord as I read your word please accept it as my prayer from Psalm 40:11-13:

“LORD, do not withhold Your compassion from me; Your constant love and truth will always guard me.  For troubles without number have surrounded me; my sins have overtaken me; I am unable to see.  They are more than the hairs of my head, and my courage leaves me.  LORD, be pleased to deliver me; hurry to help me, LORD.

May 13, 2013
Oh Lord, I am ridiculously a mess.  I do not know what is coming over me.  Why do I leave so much for so little?…I am such a  selfish person…Lord, how can I say one thing and expect my children to obey when I don’t even do it myself…Lord, why is it so hard for me to do what is right and ask for forgiveness?

Why am I so depressed?  Why this turmoil within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God.”  Psalm 42:5, 11 & 43:5

 “He will pay attention to the prayer of the destitute and will not despise their prayer.”  Psalm 102:17


May 16, 2013
Oh Lord, how I have failed.  Over and over I have disobeyed your word, your promptings and your Holy Spirit.  I am weighed down with so many pressures… Lord how do I get out?  Lord, pull me out of the depths of despair I am in.  I am not able to be the wife and mother I should be to Scott and our children.  Lord, speak to my heart this morning.

“The reflections of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.  All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the LORD evaluates the motives.” Proverbs 16:1-2

May 17, 2013
Oh Lord I am so slow.  So slow to remember your unconditional love for me.  So slow to remember your forgiveness.  So slow to remember your blessings….Lord, help me this morning to come into a knowledge of you that will penetrate my heart and soul and burst through my skin and proclaim your glory forevermore.

It is with this prayer God brought me prostrate before Him and His word through Jeremiah the prophet.  Just as a doctor or nurse or mom or even yourself will take a needle to a pimple or calloused bump on your body to allow the puss to come out, God, through His word took a needle to my calloused heart and poked ever so gently to release the puss and infection my sins had festered within.  Oozing out right there on the floor, the pressure valve was released and the knowledge of a Holy and Merciful God entered the room.


“Look to the barren heights and see.  Where have you not been immoral?  You sat waiting for them beside the highways like a nomad in the desert.  You have defiled the land with your prostitution and wickedness.  This is why the showers haven’t come—why there has been no spring rain.  You have the brazen look of a prostitute and refuse to be ashamed.  Have you not lately called to Me, “My Father.  You were my friend in my youth.  Will He bear a grudge forever?  Will He be endlessly infuriated?”  This is what you have said, but you have done the evil things you are capable of.” Jeremiah 3:2-5

Humbly I had to ask where have I not been immoral?  In God’s faithfulness unconfessed sin was brought to memory as I repented before the Lord.  Not the literal act of prostitution out right, but isn’t that what all sin is?  Unfaithfulness to trust in God our Father?  Knowledge now of why for the last week my cries for prayers to be answered have produced no showers.  I was refusing to be ashamed for my own sins and trusted only in the faith of my youth to see me through.  Evil things that have always been inside of me were revealed for what they were—evil.   Yet God in His faithfulness called out to me:Prodigal-Son-Returns-Clipart

“Return, unfaithful Alicia.  This is the LORD’s declaration.  I will not look on you with anger, for I am unfailing in My love.  This is the LORD’s declaration.  I will not be angry forever.  Only acknowledge your guilt—you have rebelled against the LORD your God.  You have scattered your favors to strangers under every green tree and have not obeyed My voice.  This is the LORD’s declaration…Return, you faithless child, I will heal your unfaithfulness” Jeremiah 3:12-13, 22

Then I cried out to my God:

“Hear I am, coming to You, for You are the LORD my God.  Surely, falsehood comes from the hills, commotion from the mountains, but the salvation of Alicia is only in the Lord my God…Let me lie down in my shame; let my disgrace cover me.  I have sinned against the LORD my God, from the time of my youth even to this day.  I have not obeyed the voice of the LORD my God.

Lord, help me to break up the unplowed ground.  Help me to not sow among the thorns.  Circumcise me to you LORD; remove the foreskin of my heart so that you can be glorified.” Jeremiah 3:22-23, 25; 4:3-4

As God allowed me to rise up off the floor, His discipline for the moment was lifted and the harvest of righteousness in my heart is beginning to grow again and peace restored to my soul (Hebrews 12:11).

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