Words can not truly express I guess how I have been feeling lately. I have been reading so many of my fellow believers in Christ journeys the Lord has them on and have felt utterly not qualified or not radical enough in my own walk with the Lord. As I read about others who are trying their best to live each day for the Lord I find myself living each day with my own agenda. Like yesterday…
I awoke early to do a garage sale that got rained out a few weeks ago. It went okay, but not nearly as well as the garage sales in the past have been. In the middle of this garage sale my husband calls and tells me he met a 60 year old lady at Chick-fil-a this morning (he meets with two other guys every Thursday morning) and asked her to come to dinner tonight, but that he would have to check with me to confirm. I was none to happy about this for several reasons. First, I had already taken two different dinners to two different families this week (1 for someone else I didn’t know, but he had met and offered us to take her food after her surgery) and we had a family over whose husband had gone through a somewhat similar experience we had with a church. While I was happy to be able to do all of that, it takes time and the burden of responsibility for cooking and cleaning is on me. Also, I am not by nature and extrovert so time around other people exerts more strength than it does for others. I enjoy being around others, but there is a limit and a time I need to refresh. Second, not only did I have a garage sale yesterday, but I had an interview with two ladies scheduled for mid-afternoon and I would not have time to cook. I was already a little discouraged when my husband came to help me pack up and transfer everything to our garage. I was on a tight schedule and needed him to help me. Needless to say I became put out with him.
I went home and got ready for my interview and then left. He said he would call me in a little bit to get the ladies number, but I was not ready to do that and he never called. The interview went great and I called home after it was done. Scott said we would talk about the lady coming over when I got home.
I got home and was tired, hungry (I had only had a bowl of cereal and a bagel and it was 4:00 p.m.) and I had a headache. One thing led to another as we discussed the issue and then I just left to take care of some accounting that needed to be done. He called and left a message for Nell and she finally called and said she could come. Scott prepared a great meal and had promised to clean up afterwords.
Nell came and we had a good visit. She is a single grandmother who works at the hospital’s front desk. She brought pictures of her grandchildren and told us she had called a friend from her church and told her she was going over to some people’s houses she did not. We ate and had desert and then we said our goodbyes. She is a lonely lady who, like Scott said, just likes to be able to be around people. We took the kids to the pool and then Scott cleaned up the kitchen while I finished reading a book I was reading during the garage sale.
This morning I awoke and sat down to read my bible. I am reading five Psalms a day and one Proverb. Each Proverb corresponds to the calendar date. Therefore, I opened to Proverbs 18:1 where I was tenderly greeted by God’s word:
“He who separates himself seeks his own desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom.”
As God’s word promises to be,
“living and active and sharper than any two-edge sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart”
so it did to me this morning!!
I know that in talking with Scott we were suppose to have Nell come over, however, because I was separating myself and seeking my own desires, I was unwilling to listen to sound wisdom from my husband or the Lord. (Come to think of it, I did not even spend time with the Lord yesterday. I wonder if there is a correlation!!)
Lord, once again I come before you asking your forgiveness for seeking my own desires and separating myself from the work you are doing around me. I thank you for your word that pierces me deep to my core even though it hurts my pride and selfish desires so much. I pray that you would continue to judge my thoughts and the intentions of the heart and I pray that you would enable me to be able to have the strength to walk in your way. I can not do it on my own. Even the things you call me to do, I need your help. Help me this day as I look to you. In Jesus Name, Amen.